Lost Campaign Ads is a special episode of Red vs. Blue that parodies the 2004 U.S. Presidential Election. Available exclusively on the Season 3 DVD.
Characters
Red Team
Blue Team
Synopsis
In a parody of the 2004 U.S. Presidential Election, two campaign ads for Church and one for Sarge have the characters promising improvements to the canyon, or attacking one another.
Transcript
Elect Church (Part 1)
An image of Church appears pops up slowly; and screen appears "Elect Church: Choose the Choice of Choosieness 2004" and a blue flag
Church: My name is Private Church, and I approve this message.
Church is standing in front of Sheila, which is in front of the blue base
Church: As a young soldier, I fought for this canyon. And now I want to fight for its working people. For too long, our current administration has set idley by as our wages have dropped and they've outsourced jobs to places like Sidewinder.
On screen appears an image of Sidewinder
Church: Well, now admittedly, Sidewinder is really fucking cold,
On screen fades an image of Sidewinder
Church: ...So I guess it makes good sense to move the ice cube...
On screen appears an image of an ice cube; then quickly appears a clipart image of an ice room with dogs
Church: ...factory there, but still. If I'm elected, I will enact new tougher laws to lower thermometers...
On screen appears an clipart image of a thermometer with a scarf on the bottom
Church: ...which will make our canyon really fucking cold,
On screen appears an image of Sidewinder again
Church: And we'll get back that...
On screen appears an image of a black and white Texas Ice House from the 1900s
Church: ...ice cube factory.
On screen quickly appears an image of a famous rapper Ice Cube; then quickly disappears
Church: And like maybe new businesses like...
On screen appears an image of a cherry flavor Sno-Kone
Church: ...the snow cone refinery and that company that makes those...
On screen appears an image of Donut's legs with fur boots
Church: ...ugly overpriced furry boots. And those guys at Sidewinder, they'll lose their jobs which is great because because fuck them. They're on Sidewinder. So if you vote for me, I'll be the choice that you choose which is the best choice in the election because you choose to chose it.
The screen fades to a screen that appears "Elect Church: Choose the Choice of Choosieness 2004" and a blue flag in the middle along with "Paid for through the Elect Church Slushie Fund" on the bottom
Church: Thank you. I'm Private Church.
Vote Sarge 2004
An image of Church appears pops up slowly; and screen appears "Vote Sarge 2004: Keep our canyon the same-ish" and a red flag
Sarge: My name is Sarge, and I approve this message.
Sarge is standing in front of the Warthog, which is in front of the red base
Sarge: Traditional faiths and values are important to the people and robots of this canyon. But not to my opponent.
On screen slowly appears an image of Church holding his sniper rifle
Sarge: He's on record as saying...
The background fades to black as on screen that appears a quote, "I could blow up the whole goddamn world... - Pvt. Church"
Sarge: ...he'd like to blow up the whole damn world...
On screen quickly appears a quote, "I hate kittens and babies. - Pvt. Church"; Then on screen quickly appears a quote, "Santa Claus is a dirty slut. - Pvt. Church"
Sarge: ...and many other despicable things.
On screen and background fades back to Sarge
Sarge: Well, I say politics is no place for that kind of cynicism. My opponent would have you believe there's something wrong with this canyon. But what he really means is...
On screen appears a Blood Gulch Press that says "Opponent claims: There's Something Wrong with You..."
Sarge: ...there's something wrong with you. Well, I say...
On screen appears a Daily Canyon News that says "Church to Voters: You Suck"
Sarge: ...there's nothing wrong with this canyon that we can't ignore.
The screen fades to a screen that appears "Elect Church: Choose the Choice of Choosieness 2004" and a blue flag in the middle along with "Paid for by the Committee to Elect Sarge and Not Some Dirtbag 2004" on the bottom
Spokesperson: Paid for by the Committee to Elect Sarge and Not Some Dirtbag 2004.
Elect Church (Part 2)
An image of Church appears pops up slowly; and screen appears "Elect Church: Choose the Choice of Choosieness 2004" and a blue flag
Church: My name is Private Church, and I approve this message.
Church is standing in front of Sheila, which is in front of the blue base
Church: Recently, my opponent began running ads which criticized my war record. Let's get one thing straight, okay.
While Church was talking, one of the soldiers enters Sheila and starts using and driving
Church: I'm not only fought for this canyon and was wounded in battle. I died. Seriously, I'm the dead guy, okay. See this body.
On screen appears an image of Church as a ghost
Church: This isn't even really my body. I'm a ghost that has to inhabits the bodies of robots.
On screen quickly appears an image of Lopez; then quickly appears an image of a toy robot
Church: Just so I...
On screen quickly appears an image of a toy robot; then quickly appears an image of Church as a ghost again
Church: ...won't be transparent.
On screen quickly appears a clipart image of a woman screaming
Church: And scare chicks when...
On screen quickly appears another clipart image of a woman screaming
Church: ...I try to talk to them.
On screen quickly appears an image of Donut; then disappears quickly
Church: And this guy's a freaking idiot. What's he focusing on my war record for? (getting jealous) If he wants to focus on something negative, focus on my, you know, sex addiction or god damn, (laughing) you know, my drug habit. I mean seriously. (laughing) Who is kidding? You guys are freaking morons. Vote for me.
Sheila heads near where Church was standing; then pushed over him
Then the screen fades to a screen that appears "Elect Church: Choose the Choice of Choosieness 2004" and a blue flag in the middle along with "Paid for through the Elect Church Slushie Fund" on the bottom
Trivia
- Despite the dramatization, the quotes "I hate kittens and babies" and "Santa Claus is a dirty slut" aren't actual quotes.
- Plus, Blood Gulch Press headline and Daily Canyon News headline are truly fake headlines.
Coming Soon
Video
