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My Friend Patty/transcript

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This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "My Friend Patty" from season 13, which aired on July 18, 2023.

  • [The episode begins at the Krusty Krab, where customers are talking amongst themselves while eating. SpongeBob is cleaning the front door when Sandy arrives via rocket boots.]
  • Sandy: [opens door, waving] Hey, SpongeBob.
  • SpongeBob: Hi, Sandy. [takes off hat] Nice of ya to drop in.
  • Sandy: [takes out invention] Check it out. I science'd up a new invention. I call it the Anthropomorphizer.
  • SpongeBob: Ohh.
  • Sandy: Allow me to demonstrate. [uses the Anthropomorphizer on a table's salt and pepper shakers]
  • [The shakers start growing limbs and mouths, moaning in pain. Then, they stand up.]
  • Salt and pepper: Yay! Yippee! Yoo-hoo! [dancing with each other] Seasoning! [customer at table claps]
  • Sandy: Viola! Instant life. [salt and pepper shakers jump onto her head and cheer]
  • Everyone: [cheers and applauds]
  • Sandy: Thank you. Thank you.
  • SpongeBob: Sandy, can it really bring anything to life?
  • Sandy: You can bet the farm on it.
  • SpongeBob: Even a... [holds up patty] Krabby Patty?
  • Sandy: [uses Anthropomorphizer on patty] Yep. I reckon so.
  • [The Krabby Patty grows limbs and eyes, screaming. It then stands up.]
  • Krabby Patty: Order up!
  • SpongeBob: [picking up patty and putting it on table] It lives! My Krabby Patty lives!
  • Krabby Patty: [looking at limbs] My, what odd sensations. I feel like-- well, like I can feel!
  • Sandy: That's called livin'. You can walk and talk, and I reckon you got a [taps helmet] few thoughts up in the ol' bun too.
  • Krabby Patty: [thinking] Hmm, I reckon I do!
  • SpongeBob: [bouncing around] I can't believe it. A real Krabby Patty who can talk, and I can talk back to it, and we can talk about everything we love, because I never knew what Krabby Patties loved, but now I can know, and it can know what I know, because know I love Krabby Patties and [gasps, in Krabby Patty's face] I can show you what I love in Bikini Bottom!
  • Krabby Patty: Well, double my cheese. I'm in! [handshakes SpongeBob's finger]
  • SpongeBob: Yahoo! [jumping up, flutters down, and rushes Krabby Patty out of the Krusty Krab]
  • Sandy: [setting down Anthropomorphizer] Welp, I've created life from nothing [kicks back in barrel chair] but fast food. I reckon I'm the smartest squirrel in the world. [falls over] Whoa! [kicking feet] Heh-heh? [customer eats patty]
  • [Bubble transition to Jellyfish Fields, where people are jellyfishing. SpongeBob walks in with a suitcase and Krabby Patty.]
  • SpongeBob: This is Jellyfish Fields. [singing, skipping] ♪ La-la, la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la. ♪ It's where my friends and I go jellyfishing.
  • Krabby Patty: What the?
  • SpongeBob: [a pet owner and his worm are seen jellyfishing, and the pet owner catches his worm] Especially new friends like you.
  • Krabby Patty: Ooh.
  • SpongeBob: And look, Krabby Patty. [opening suitcase, which has a normal net and a small net] I even brought an extra little net so you can learn how to-- [sees the worm has caught Krabby Patty]
  • Krabby Patty: Oh, you caught me! Ha-ha! [worm eats him] Ahh! Ahh! Ha-ha! Ahh!
  • SpongeBob: [screams like a girl]
  • Pet owner: Ew. Drop it. You don't know where that [sprays worm with water] nasty patty's been.
  • SpongeBob: Hey. That nasty Krabby Patty is my friend. [the pet owner grabs the worm, and SpongeBob grabs Krabby Patty] Whoa! [trips and falls backwards]
  • Pet owner: Whoa-oh-oh! [hits coral tree] Oof! [causes the two jelly hives to land on both of their heads and get stung by jellyfish, howling in pain]
  • SpongeBob: [covering Krabby Patty's eyes] You need to be more careful, Krabby Patty. You can't help it that you're delicious.
  • Krabby Patty: [cheerfully] Oh-ho-ho-ho! Ay-ay-ay!
  • [Bubble transition to Goofy Goober's, where kids are eating ice cream and playing around. SpongeBob and Krabby Patty are sat at a table.]
  • SpongeBob: This is Goofy Goober's, the tastiest ice cream joint in town.
  • Krabby Patty: Everyone looks so happy. I want to be happy like them, SpongeBob.
  • Goofy Goober: [singing to children] ♪ Oh, I'm a Goofy Goober, yeah, you're a Goofy Goober, yeah ♪
  • Krabby Patty: [stretching out hands] Ooh.
  • SpongeBob: Yoo-hoo! Good sir. [waiter approaches his table] Your happiest Gooberberry Sunrise for two.
  • Waiter: [comes back with Gooberberry Sunrise] Sharing with ourselves today, are we?
  • SpongeBob: Huh? No, I'm sharing with my new friend... [yelling] Krabby Patty!
  • [The children are screaming as Krabby Patty tries to get into Gooby Goober's mouth.]
  • SpongeBob: [screaming] I'll save you! [runs over to Goofy Goober and grasps his neck, sending Krabby Patty flying past a kid's ice cream, bouncing off the waiter, breaking a lightbulb, and landing in the Gooberry Sunrise] [picking up Krabby Patty] Come on, Krabby Patty, we're leaving. [angrily pointing at Gooby Goober] And I am never coming back to a place that would eat a customer! [leaves, but comes back and waves] K, see you tomorrow.
  • [SpongeBob and Krabby Patty sit on the sidewalk in front of Goofy Goober's.]
  • SpongeBob: Oh, I'm sorry everyone keeps trying to eat you, Krabby Patty. You must be having the worst day of your life.
  • Krabby Patty: [sighs] I've gotta say, it hasn't been what I thought. No matter how many times I jump into someone's mouth, they still won't swallow me.
  • SpongeBob: Wait, you were jumping into their mouths on purpose?
  • Krabby Patty: Of course. Doesn't everyone want to be eaten?
  • SpongeBob: No way. At least I don't think so.
  • Krabby Patty: [frustrated] Well, I want to be eaten, and I want to be eaten now! [runs off]
  • SpongeBob: [runs after it] Wait, no! You can't!
  • Krabby Patty: Oh, yes I can! [runs into Sea-Tots]
  • SpongeBob: Krabby Patty, come back!
  • [Krabby Patty leaps into a crib, and all the babies look at it.]
  • Babies: Huh?
  • Krabby Patty: Over here, kids! I think you're ready for solid foods!
  • Babies: [crawl towards Krabby Patty, who start teething on it]
  • SpongeBob: [comes in yelling with a seahorse head on a stick, separating the babies from Krabby Patty] I won't let them slobber on you! [carries Krabby Patty around with the stick as he dodges the babies] Move it, moppet. Scram, squirt. [a beefy baby rams him into the crib wall] Ugh! [squishes like an accordion]
  • Krabby Patty: [slides along the crib, surrounded by babies, gasps]
  • SpongeBob: [screaming, diving and taking Krabby Patty away from the babies]
  • [The babies all dogpile onto SpongeBob, and SpongeBob pushes them all away as he screams once more, lifting Krabby Patty above his head. The babies all cry, and SpongeBob's eyes dart around as the daycare worker opens the door.]
  • Daycare worker: [gasps] My babies!
  • [Cut to the exterior of the building, where the daycare worker kicks SpongeBob.]
  • SpongeBob: Whoa!
  • Krabby Patty: Oh! [gets kicked out, rolling along the road]
  • [SpongeBob lands on the ground, and Krabby Patty floats down, rolling away.]
  • SpongeBob: Patty, come back! [rolls to follow him]
  • [At the Chum Bucket, Plankton kicks the doors open.]
  • Plankton: Well, if I can't get my hands on a Krabby Patty, then at least I can [ski outfit appears on him] go on that ski trip I always wanted. [walks forward, notices Krabby Patty] Huh? Never mind. [breaks skis] Skiing is for jerks. [dashes away, leaving behind ski gear] Hey, Krabby Patty, [waves hands] over here! I'd like to have a word with... you?
  • [Ominous fog appears, and Krabby Patty turns its head around, running towards Plankton.]
  • Krabby Patty: Eat me! Eat me! Eat me!
  • Plankton: [screams as Krabby Patty jumps into his mouth]
  • Krabby Patty: I've gotta fit in here! Come on!
  • SpongeBob: [gasps] There you are! [pulls Krabby Patty out of Plankton, who sobs on the ground] Sorry, Plankton. Krabby Patty here thinks that he wants to--
  • Plankton: Go away. [crawls away] I need to be alone.
  • [Bubble transition to SpongeBob carrying Krabby Patty to the Krusty Krab.]
  • SpongeBob: I don't get it, Krabby Patty. Don't you want to stay and be my friend?
  • Krabby Patty: Of course I do, SpongeBob. But jellyfishing and ice cream, well, they're for people like [points to SpongeBob] you. I'm different. It's like how [thought cloud appears of SpongeBob handing out a patty] your purpose is making people happy by feeding them, [thought cloud appears of the patty being given to Fred] my purpose is making people happy by feeding them me.
  • SpongeBob: You know what, Krabby Patty? I get it now. And I'm going to help you [Krabby Patty shakes his finger] be the best meal you can be. Let's find the perfect mouth to gobble you up.
  • Krabby Patty: Oh, I'm one happy patty! [SpongeBob carries him inside]
  • [Bubble transition to a banner in front of the Krusty Krab, with a drawing of Krabby Patty that says "EAT ME!". A long line of customers is shown.]
  • SpongeBob: [on megaphone] Auditions are now open to eat my friend Patty.
  • [The long line pans to the interior of the Krusty Krab, where Krabby Patty is sitting on a red table.]
  • SpongeBob: Next, please.
  • [A kid tries to approach Krabby Patty, but Bubble Bass cuts the line and uses his butt to kick the kid out of the way. Glass is heard breaking.]
  • Bubble Bass: Only I know how to truly savor a Krabby Patty. Therefore, I believe I should have the distinction of eating you.
  • Krabby Patty: Hmm. [opens Bubble Bass' mouth and is hit with his bad breath, wilting] Ooh! Ahh! Ohh! Ugh! Ew! [pointing] I think you savored that last one a little too long.
  • SpongeBob: Next!
  • Bubble Bass: [walking away] Hmph! Well, I never...
  • Slappy: [walking to Krabby Patty on all fours] Heh-heh-heh-heh, heh. [squishing Krabby Patty] Ohh, what a delicious-looking little man. I could chew on you for hours. [pokes Krabby Patty, cackling]
  • [Slappy opens his mouth, and his extremely bad teeth are shown, along with several bugs with Slappy heads.]
  • Krabby Patty: Yeah, I think your mouth is already occupied, mister.
  • Slappy: [disappointed, walking away on all fours] Ohh.
  • Clown: [approaches, blowing a balloon from his mouth]
  • SpongeBob and Krabby Patty: Next!
  • Old Man Walker: [weakly opening mouth with a gravestone on his tongue]
  • SpongeBob and Krabby Patty: Next!
  • Girl: [opening mouth to reveal braces]
  • SpongeBob and Krabby Patty: Next!
  • Nosferatu: [opening mouth, hissing, and two bat jellyfish come out of his mouth]
  • Krabby Patty: [sighs]
  • SpongeBob: [tired] Next. [Nosferatu flies away]
  • Sandy: [entering, sees Nosferatu leaving] Hmm? Howdy--ohh. [approaches SpongeBob and Krabby Patty] Why the long faces?
  • Krabby Patty: Aw, pickle chips. All I want is to be eaten.
  • SpongeBob: [slouching on table] Ohh. But we just can't find the perfect mouth.
  • Sandy: Well...oh! Maybe SpongeBob could give you the ol' [makes eating motions with hands] bite and chew.
  • Krabby Patty: [opens SpongeBob's mouth]
  • SpongeBob: Ahh.
  • Krabby Patty: [looking inside SpongeBob's mouth] Great teeth, [SpongeBob's tongue turns into a flexing bicep] healthy tongue... [minty breath comes out of the mouth and kisses it] Minty-fresh breath. Spread my ketchup, the perfect mouth! It would be an honor, SpongeBob.
  • SpongeBob: [eyes tearing up] Oh, no, Krabby Patty. The honor is mine.
  • Krabby Patty: Bon appétit, friend. [SpongeBob picks it up and starts putting it to his mouth]
  • Bubble Bass: Halt! [kicks SpongeBob out the way with his butt, picks up Krabby Patty] I deserve this patty. I'm clearly the hungriest. [holds out belly, then gets hit with pie]
  • [The clown picks up Krabby Patty and honks his horn. The other candidates start fighting over the patty, creating a fighting cloud.]
  • SpongeBob and Sandy: [backing away, but get dragged into the cloud] Whoa!
  • [The fighting cloud jumps all over the place, while Squidward is ignoring the fight. Krabby Patty crawls out of the cloud.]
  • Krabby Patty: All this for little old me. Ha-ha. Why, if you'd told me when I was a lifeless pile of ingredients that someday I'd... [Gary eats it, everyone stops fighting]
  • Everyone: Huh?
  • Gary: [swallows patty]
  • Sandy: Welp, I guess it got what it wanted.
  • SpongeBob: So, Gary, [nudges Gary with elbow] how was it?
  • Gary: [burps, slithers away]
  • SpongeBob: Wow.
  • Bubble Bass: Halt! [points to Sandy, everyone else angry] I blame the squirrel for this fracas. She made us turn on each other with her wicked, wicked science. [everyone starts shouting at Sandy]
  • Sandy: Well, science giveth, and science taketh away. [uses her Anthropomorphizer to turn a barrel sentient and rides away on it] Take me away, science. Yee-haw!
  • [The customers all continue shouting at Sandy as they start chasing her. The camera irises out as the episode ends.]
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