Transcript:Beauty and the Bug

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Transcript for
Beauty and the Bug
Written by	Patric M. Verrone
Transcribed by	Jasonbres

[Opening Credits. Caption: Who keeps cancelling us?]

[Scene: Mars.]

Caption: Mars: No longer in need of women

[Scene: Wong Ranch. The sign reads "Ask us about our money". Cut to the barn. The Planet Express crew watches Amy brush Betsy.]

Fry: I don't get why you brush your buggalo. They have no hair.

Amy: Shh! They don't know that.

[Pan to Zoidberg about to brush his lack of hair.]

Zoidberg: Don't know what?

Amy: They're just such beautiful creatures. My parents own the largest herd on Mars.

Hermes: Where do you keep dem all?

[Zoom out to reveal all the buggalo behind Hermes.]

Hermes: O-M-Jah! Don't know how I missed them!

Amy: We raise them for food but Betsy here has been my pet since I was a kid.

[Pan left to reveal the Wongs standing behind Hermes.]

Inez: That's why we not eat her!




[Hermes yelps.]

Inez: Yet.

Hermes: Don't know how I missed you either!

Leo: Amy, you forget the best part of raising buggalo. Bugfighting season!

[He points to a poster for a bugfight at Plaza de Insectos.]

Bender: Neat!

[He takes a selfie in front of the barn with his phone.]

Leela: Nobody's gonna fight sweet little Betsy, are they?

Leo: No, no. Females too wimpy. Buggalo matadors only fight the males.

[Close-up on a male buggalo tied up. Zoom out to reveal he is also somehow standing behind Hermes.]

Hermes: [gasps] How do I keep missing dese things?!

Amy: Nobody should be fighting any kind of buggalo. It's cruel and inhumanoid.

Leo: Oh, please. They're just brainless insects.

Farnsworth: [measuring Betsy's cranium with a ruler] Really? 'Cause they have very large brain pans according to the brain-ometer.

Leo: Big don't mean smart. Zoidberg's big, but he got the intelligence of a brine shrimp.

Zoidberg: Thank you, sir!

Amy: It's not about intelligence. There's just something… special about them.

[Betsy licks Amy.]

Leela: Ew, gross! [She chows down on a BBQ buggalo leg.]

Leo: After lunch, you all come downtown. We kick off bugfighting season with the running of the buggalo!

Fry: Sounds dangerous.

Leo: Oh, no. Couple people get killed. Not many. Not dangerous at all.

Bender: People get killed, you say?

Leo: Four, five tops. Plus some robots.

Bender: But mostly people, you say? I'll do it.

[Everyone except Amy cheers.]

Leela: Let's do it!

Hermes: Let's run it!

Amy: You guys can't be serious! Leela, you're not gonna participate in this, are you?

Leela: [still eating her buggalo leg] Uh… How about we let this be your issue?

[Scene: Downtown. Confetti rains down as we pan down on the crowd cheering on the runners.]

Inez: Welcome, spectators, runners, and coffin salesmen, to the annual running of the buggalo!

[The crowd cheers.]

Leo: We got a great group of buggalo…

[Cut to the male buggalo herd snarling and scraping their feet on the ground.]

Leo: …and a lazy-looking bunch of runners.

[Cut to the runners not looking very excited.]

Leo: So sign those liability waivers, say goodbye to your loved ones…

Inez: And run for your lives!

[Inez fires the starter pistol and the runners take off. Two men open the gates and release the buggalo.]

Don Cunningham: And they're off and running! Hello, splatter fans. Don Cunningham here. The red planet will run red today with the blood of its bravest heroes. Also their guts.

[The crowd cheers on the runners as Fry and Leela pass by. The Professor is sleeping while on a mechanical running machine. Zoidberg scuttles and whoops on his two pairs of running shoes. Hermes has already hit the wall. A buggalo runs up behind him. He limbos underneath him. He limbos under a few more buggalo. When the herd finishes passing, he stands back up.]

Hermes: Whoo!

[He is run over by Bender riding one of the buggalo.]

Bender: Next time, watch where you're goin'!

[He hypocritically bumps into a bridge and falls off the buggalo.]

[Scene: The Mars Vegas Strip.]

Don Cunningham: And the buggalo make the turn towards the Mars Vegas Strip, home of the $1.99 subprime rib.

[Scene: A casino. Petunia its at one of the slot machines.]

Petunia: Come on! Baby needs a new left hip!

[The runners race past her, followed by the buggalo, which destroy the slots, except for the lever. Petunia absentmindedly keeps inserting her quarters into the invisible slot machine and pulls the unattached lever.]

:[Scene: Downtown. Bender is starting to slow down.]

Bender: [panting] Man, I'm runnin' outta steam. Good thing that's not what I run on. [He gasps as his eyes pop.]

[Cut to what Bender just gasped at, a beautiful Spanish fembot. Bender waggles his eyelids as the fembot bats her eyes.]

Bender: [panting] I'm Bender, baby! What's your name?

Fembot: Marquita Maria Christina Chiquita Alana Paloma…

[While she continues her name, Bender dodges some passing buggalo.]

Bender: Uh-huh… Right… Okay…

Marquita: …Ramona Rosita Catalina Lupe Lunes Martes Miercoles Jueves Viernes Sabado Domingo…

Bubblegum: Cat's got some moves!

Doubledeal: He's very light on his feet for a two-ton robot.

Bender: I've never seen such beauty. Do you have many more names?

Marquita: Yes, many. Veronica Helena Hermina…

Bender: Uh-huh? Right.

Marquita: …Francesca Esperanza Valentina…

Bender: Okay. Keep going.

Marquita: …Carmelita Leonora Lupita Isabella Juanita Teresa Sofia Mariana Benihana Bonita Nereida Guadalupe Alvarez.

[After she finishes her name, Bender attempts to talk to her, but is pushed by a buggalo, and run over. As the crushed robot readjusts his head. He sees she has disappeared.]

Bender: No! Where'd she go?! [gasps, sighs] I'll never see the love of my life again! And even more tragic, she'll never see me again! [sobbing]

[Scene: The bugfighting arena. Several buggalo are herded into the arena by dogs. Pan over to several ambulances labeled "Soylent Ambulunch Medical Transport" carrying several dead bodies in.]

Don Cunningham: Another magnificent running of the buggalo has come to an end. Along with many, many lives. What a sick and unnecessary exercise. And such a beautiful tradition.

[Bender falls over sighing.]

Doubledeal: Excuse me, Señor Bender? I'm Abner Doubledeal.

Bender: I know you! You're the commissioner of the Ultimate Robot Fighting League. And also every other league.

Doubledeal: Plus, I'm El Comisario of La Asociación de Bugfighting. And I need you to be my new matador.

Bender: Wh-What happened to the old matador?

[A buggalo carrying the head of a robot matador passes behind them.]

Doubledeal: Uh, he retired.

Bender: I don't know. It seems dangerous. I mean, I know I'm great, but do you think I'm great enough?

Doubledeal: Definitely not. That's why you'll need to be trained by the greatest matador alive.

[Bender finally sees Marquita.]

Bender: [gasps] Marquita Maria Christina, etc.? I would die a thousand deaths to spend one minute with her! [He is charged by a buggalo.]

Doubledeal: Then you have chosen the right line of work!

[Scene: The bugfighting arena. Marquita shows her matador skills to the crowd. And also pulls a dove from under her cape. Cut to Bender and Doubledeal in the crowd watching her.]

Doubledeal: Marquita's the best. You'll wanna learn all her trademark moves.

Bender: Trademark infringement? My specialty!

[A buggalo charges at Marquita. She rides it and stabs at it with her dagger. The crowd winces.]

Don Cunningham: Ooh, and Matador Marquita dispatches the honorable beast with utmost honor. I've never seen so much honor, folks. I just hope Marquita doesn't slip on all that honor.

[Scene: Backstage. Marquita descends the stairs.]

Doubledeal: Bender, I want you to meet your trainer. Matador Marquita Maria Christina something something.

Marquita: ¡Comisario! If you can't remember a simple name, I'm not–

Bender: I remember it! Chiquita Alana Paloma Ramona Rosita Catalina Lupe Lunes…

Doubledeal: Just train him to survive this season. I gotta go. The NFL's up for sale on Craigslist.

Bender: …Valentina Carmelita Lenora… [Marquita covers his mouth but he continues the names]

Marquita: You remember that from our brief meeting?

Bender: Alvarez. I pay close attention when things are about to get jiggy.

Marquita: I too was struck by the thunderbolt of love at first sight. But love must wait until you have studied the ways of the bugfighter.

Bender: First study, then jiggy?

Marquita: Patience is the hallmark of the matador.

[Bender squeals in excitement.]

Marquita: We shall begin with the most important element of bugfighting.

Bender: Stabbing? Screaming? flirtatious] Jigging?

Marquita: Clothing.

[Scene: Matadorf Goodberg. Cut to inside. Squidward Scissorhands is taking Bender's measurements.]

Bender: Uh, you got anything slimming? I wanna give the buggalo as small a _target as possible.

Squidward Scissorhands: Sir! My family has been making matador outfits for seven generations!

Bender: So you're experienced?

Squidward Scissorhands: My father died yesterday. You're my first customer. Honestly, most of our matador work is repairs. Lots and lots of repairs.

[Montage: A training montage occurs under the music of "La Virgen de la Macarena" by Luis Alvarez. Marquita, with a plunger on her head, acts as the buggalo. Bender uses his custom-made "Bender is Great" cape to fight her. At one point, Bender attempts to lean in for a kiss.]

Marquita: Ah, ah. Only if you survive your first bugfight. And maybe gargle something.

[Scene: Wong Ranch dining room.]

Inez: In honor of Bender's first bugfight tomorrow, Buggalo wings with Martian Valley Ranch!

Leela: Them's good eats!

Amy: I can't believe you're going through with this, Bender. They're just innocent bugs.

Marquita: And yet, you're eating one right now.

Amy: No, I'm not. This is Beyond Buggalo.

Inez: Yuck. What it made from, plant?

Amy: No. Pork! I never did like pigs. Betsy? Want some porky-worky?

[She feeds Betsy a wing.]

Leo: Hey! Why you talking to her? Dumb bugs can't understand anything!

Farnsworth: Now, now, Leo. Perhaps Amy has a point. I brought my X-ray specs so I can directly examine Betsy's brain.

[He puts his X-ray specs over his glasses and turns them on.]

Farnsworth: [gasps] My word! Amy is absolutely one hundred percent… wrong. Buggalo heads are literally empty! They have no brain whatsoever!

Amy: Maybe not, but Betsy's got emotional intelligence!

Farnsworth: That's the stupidest kind of intelligence!

[Betsy attempts to use the buggalo door, but falls over.]

[Scene: The bugfighting arena. Close-up on a poster advertising "Matador Bender's Debut Magnifico! And/or Finale Trágico!" Inside the arena, Bender greets his adoring fans. Cut to the swooning section.]

Ruth: I love you, Bender! [swoons]

Bender: Shut up, señorita! I know it!

[Esther shoves Ruth out of the way.]

Esther: Marry me, Bender! Then, divorce me!




Bender: Man, this is my kind of sport.

[A buggalo approaches him.]

Bender: Oh, right. The buggalo.

[The buggalo snarls at him.]

Bender: Eh, you don't look so fierce.

[The buggalo breathes fire melting his sword.]

Bender: Oh, that's new.

Marquita: Bender! Remember what I taught you!

Flashback Marquita: Always smooth your compression socks.

Bender: Ah, right.

[He does so. While Bender is smoothing, the buggalo prepares to charge. Cut to the crowd. Fry is drinking from his beer hat, but when everyone stands up from the excitement, the hat falls off.]

Fry: Oh no! My cerveza hat!

[He hangs from the crowd and attempts to reach the hat, but his jacket falls in front of his face. The buggalo's attention turns to Fry's jacket.]

Don Cunningham: And the crowd falls silent as one of their own faces mortal peril.

[Fry cowers under his jacket. Pan up to reveal Leela holding his legs.]

Leela: Save him, Matador Bender!

Don Cunningham: They're on the edge of their seats, waiting to hear how I, Don Cunningham, describe the ensuing carnage.

[The buggalo charges, Bender rips off the sleeves of the jacket and we see it torn to shreds offscreen.]

Leela: Fry! No!

Fry: It's okay! Five-second rule! [He puts his beer hat back on.]

[Pan to reveal Bender on top of the buggalo. He covers its eyes with his cape. As it runs blind, Bender falls off it and it bumps into the wall. The crowd goes wild.]

Don Cunningham: Astounding! Matador Bender has won the audience over! Fembots are tossing their dainties into the ring.

Bender: They're throwing their shiny metal asses at me?

The Crushinator: I love you, Bender.

[The Crushinator's chassis crushes Bender. The buggalo removes the shreds of Fry's jacket from its eyes. Bender attempts to free himself from the Crushinator's chassis, but he is trapped under it. The buggalo charges at him.]

Don Cunningham: The tension is excruciating! You don't wanna miss one second of this action, fans! And now, a word from our sponsor.

[Scene: A commercial. Bender is drinking a Lobrau beer on a floating chair in a swimming pool.]

Bender: As a matador who may or may not still be alive, I know nothing's more annoying than a bugfight getting interrupted by a commercial. So upgrade now to ad-free Fulu Premium. The same old shows for an exciting new price.

[A flash sticker appears saying "Now with double price!"]

[Scene: The bullfighting arena. The buggalo is still charging at Bender, who is still trapped under the Crushinator's chassis.]

Don Cunningham: Welcome back, fans. What a beautiful afternoon at the arena where Matador Bender is about to be shredded like tin foil.

[The tension builds as the buggalo keeps running toward the trapped Bender.]

Flashback Marquita: Bender, did I teach you nothing?

Bender: Kinda!

[The crowd gasps as Fry makes his way back toward his seat.]

Bender: I'm dead if I can't magically pull a sword outta my ass. Hey, wait!

[He pulls his antenna, which pulls out a sword. He wields it at the buggalo, which stops in its tracks. Cut to the crowd's reaction as the buggalo is stabbed.]

[Scene: Outside the bugfighting arena. Don Cunningham is driving his car, but still has his headset on.]

Don Cunningham: I'm in my car now, on the way home. But what's this? I hear the crowd roaring behind me.

[Cut back to inside the arena. Bender finally lifts the chassis from his legs and removes the sword from the buggalo's head. He puts it back in his head as he bows to the crowd. The fembots in the swooning section all swoon and faint.]

Doubledeal: Matador Bender, in honor of your thrilling come-from-behind victory, I award you the head and carapace of your defeated rival…

[Cut to reveal a team of workers chainsawing the buggalo's head off. Cut to one of them giving the mantel to Doubledeal.]

Doubledeal: …in lieu of financial remuneration.

[Closeup on the plaque on the mantel, which reads, "Matador Bender - Slayer of Bugs". Marquita blows a kiss toward Bender. His parts are windblown away.]

[Scene: The plaza. Mechanical dancers twirl to a mechanical flamenco guitarist. Hermes makes his way toward the π-ella, and puts some onto his plate. When he leaves, one of the claws is revealed belonging to Zoidberg, who munches on it. Cut to Fry and Leela. Leela notices a trash can labeled "basura". She takes out a discarded buggalo leg.]

Leela: Ooh! This cart has buggalo legs!

[She gnaws on the garbage leg. Pan to Bender and Marquita.]

Marquita: You did well, Bender. Of all the students I have ever taught, you are the one who is alive.

Bender: Hey, Marquita, let me ask you something, matador to matador.

Marquita: "Hay" is for horses. Go on.

Bender: Do you think it's possible buggalo really do have some kind of awareness? 'Cause when it looked me in the eye, I felt something. Not something phony like love. Something real like the Force.

Marquita: I too have felt such a thing. But, of course, it is impossible for a bug to feel the complex emotions we robots feel.

Bender: Speaking of complex emotions, how are you feeling about the jiggy we earlier discussed gettin'?

[Bender and Marquita move in closer and kiss as the fireworks light up the sky.]

[Scene: The bedroom. Marquita is snoring but Bender is wide awake looking at the buggalo head mantel.]

[Scene: The barn. Bender walks in and listens to the buggalo clicking. He leans on the door and sighs.]

Amy: It's a soothing sound, isn't it?

Bender: [yelling] Amy! You scared me brickless!

Amy: I was just tucking Betsy in. Anyway, congrats. I'm no bugfighting fan but you must feel great after today.

Bender: I always feel great. 'Cause I am. But I also feel something else tonight. Something I've never felt before.

Amy: Guilt?

Bender: Maybe. I always wondered what guilt felt like. Hey, um, can I come in? They're too dumb to know I killed their pal, right?

Amy: Probably. [she opens the gate and Bender walks in, and Amy leers behind the door] Just stay away from Betsy.

[Bender walks in and sits down, speaking to the buggalo.]

Bender: [sighs] I'm sorry I killed your friend. Or uncle. Or fruncle. [sniffles] Can you forgive me?

[The buggalo click.]


Bender: It really is such a soothing sound.

[Bender closes his eyes, but then hears voices.]

Voices: Bender… [louder] Bender… [louder] Bender!

Bender: What? Who's there? Is that you, Fruncle Friender?

Buggalo: We are honored to share our sleeping space with you.

Bender: [gasps] You can talk?! I mean, not as good as me can, but still.

Buggalo: Please make yourself comfortable in the place of honor at the bottom of the sleeping pile.

[The buggalo all dogpile on Bender, who doesn't feel comfortable about this.]

Bender: I can't breathe! Oh, right. Robots don't breathe. Actually, this is pretty cozy.

[Bender lowers his visor and falls asleep.]

[Scene: Wong Ranch, the next morning. A martian rooster crows. Cut to the dining where everyone i having breakfast.]

Bender: Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys!

Hermes: [still gnawing on his thorax] What?

Bender: You're not gonna believe this, but something amazing happened. The buggalo spoke to me!

Farnsworth: That is amazing! And we don't believe you!

Leela: [eating another leg, with mouth full] Which buggalo spoke?

Bender: All of them! Buggalo can be singular or plural.

Marquita: I understand, Bender. Buggalo cannot speak, but sometimes, I feel as though they do. But they don't.

Bender: They do not don't! Tell her, Amy!

Amy: Uh, Bender, I think you may have taken me a little too literally.

Bender: Nuh-uh! They're intelligent creatures! I say the travesty of bugfighting must end once and for all!

Marquita: Then it was nice having jiggy with you. [She stands up.] Now, if you'll excuse me, I must prepare for a bugfight.

Bender: Marquita! Don't go! Please!

Fry: [chewing] She seems nice.

[Scene: The arena. A poster shows Marquita fighting El Gran Buggalo. Cut to the fence. Amy looks sadly at the buggalo.]

Amy: Poor things. Don't worry. You'll be okay. [sobbing] No, you won't! I was lying! I'm sorry!

[Pan right to Bender wearing a buggalo costume and holding his buggalo mantel.]

Bender: Guys, guys, I've got a plan. I'm gonna disguise myself as El Gran Buggalo and put a stop to this savagery. [He takes the head off the mantel] I don't usually do the right thing, but I'll be ruining everyone's day, so it balances out.

[Bender puts on the head and we see a POV shot of his many visioned eyes.]

Bender: Whoa, trippy. Now, here's the idea. Just at the key moment, I'll rip off my disguise and say…

[Cut to outside. Bender is trying to say something but whatever he is saying is obscured by the mask. Cut back to inside the costume.]

Bender: That oughta convince 'em.

[Cut to inside the arena. Marquita takes her place.]

Don Cunningham: Today's match pits the greatest matador of her generation against the greatest buggalo of its. You know him, you love him. El Gran Buggalo! Look how his legs barely move as he glides effortlessly, with all the majesty and grace of a dog on a skateboard.

[Cut to inside the costume.]

Bender: Marquita, it's me. Don't worry. I'm just gonna…

[Bender attempts to talk to Marquita, but his speech is still muffled by the costume. He then stands up.]

Don Cunningham: What's this? El Gran Buggalo is up on his hind legs. Is he trying to teach us a new dance?

Bender: [muffled] Ladies and gentlemen…

[He attempts to make a passionate speech, but the words are still muffled. He attempts to rip off the head, but it's stuck. Cut to inside the costume.]

Bender: Man, this head is really stuck on tight. [Marquita wields her saber.] Oh crap!

[Cut to the crowd.]

Leela: Kill it already! It's not getting any tastier just standing there!

[Bender attempts to plead, but still no one can hear him. Marquita chases after the disguised Bender, but he runs away from her.]

Don Cunningham: And Matador Marquita moves in for the kill. It's all over, folks.

[Cut to Cunningham at his car.]

Don Cunningham: This is Don "Beat the Traffic" Cunningham signing off!

[He drives away.]

[Cut back to the arena. Marquita face the disguised buggalo. Marquita at first has a moment of guilt, but then she stabs at the head. Bender yells and falls. Amy tearfully looks at the poor creature.]

Amy: [sighs] Don't you people get it?! This buggalo is just an innocent…

[She removes the head.]

Amy: …robot?

Bender: How did you get that off so easily? [makes pained noises]

[The crowd gasps.]

Marquita: Bender, no! Are you in pain?

Bender: Marquita, my darling. I'm… I'm okay. Luckily, the sword just went through my head. [He removes the sword from his head and takes a microphone out of his cavity.] People of Mars! Matadors! Don Cunningham!

Fry: He went home!

Bender: Maybe buggalo really are brainless. Maybe they don't feel any pain. Maybe they don't suffer. But, even so, what does it say about us that we celebrate their bloody deaths? Instead of celebrating death, should we not be celebrating life? And love?

Marquita: Bender, hear me now. I… love… bugfighting.

Bender: You lousy tramp! I oughta kick you!

Marquita: But I love you more.

Bender: Okay, that's better.

Marquita: Let us end this barbaric, yet noble, yet barbaric ritual once and for all!

[She puts her saber back into its sheath. The crowd cheers.]

Marquita: Yet noble–

Bender: Shh.




Leo: Guess you were right, Amy. I'm proud of you. You disinherited. [he approaches the microphone and clears his throat] Buggalo fighting now banned forever.

[The crowd cheers.]

Leo: But gambling still legal. Nothing wrong with gambling.

[Cut to Petunia still holding the slot machine lever.]

Petunia: I brought mines with me.

[She drops a quarter into the invisible slot machine again.]

Marquita: Come. Let us make the jiggy.

[The door slams down and the entire herd of buggalo storms into the arena.]

Buggalo: We are the buggalo.

[The crowd gasps.]

Amy: What?! They can talk?

[The Professor puts on his X-ray specs.]

Farnsworth: My word! It seems that while each individual buggalo is brainless, their empty skulls form resonance chambers that allow large groups to assemble a hive mind!

Buggalo: The raisin man is correct. We have consciousness, and we feel emotions. Fear, pain, suffering. All the emotions. But, most of all, we have a deep love of buggalo fighting!

[The crowd gasps.]

Amy: Huh?

Bender: Say what?

Buggalo: Much of our culture is built around this ancient tradition. It's not a very rich culture, we admit that. We just like to eat grass and kill matadors. But we refuse to forsake our noble traditions. The fight must continue!

[The buggalo snort fire. Bender gets out his sword, as does Marquita.]

Marquita: I love you, Bender! We shall die together with great honor.

Bender: I love you, too, baby.

Esther: But, Bender! You said we was engaged!

Gold fembot: No! He swore his love to me!</poem
>


<poem>The Crushinator: And me!

Marquita: Bender, are you two-timing me?!

Bender: Two? Nah, nah. It's way more than that.

Marquita: How did this happen? And when?!

Bender: Well, remember when I said I spent a whole night sleeping with the buggalo? I-It was actually only part of a night. And I didn't do much sleepin'.

Marquita: I call first gore!




[She points her sword at Bender, and Bender backs away whimpering.]

Bender: Well, I deserve this.

[Executive Producer credits. We hear Bender and Marquita grunting over it. Pull out to reveal Don Cunningham in his living room, still with his headset on, drinking a sangria.]

Don Cunningham: This has been Don Cunningham! Goodnight, everybody!

["Matador Conquest" by Andrew Oye plays over the Closing Credits.]

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