Kerry Patterson (1)

Dear Goodreads:

A 'crucial conversation' is one that
1) opinions vary
2) stakes are high
3) parties involved have strong emotions.

Sound familiar? What we have at Goodreads is a Crucial Conversation.

Ways you don't succeed in a crucial conversation:

1) Allowing your emotion to dictate your dialogue. Specifically, an emotional need to "win" or be "right."
2) Believe the answer is the "fool's choice" of a yes/no, right/left solution.

Ringing any bells? I can't state what the emotions of GR staff are right now, but they can't be positive ones. And we've all witnessed how official 'my way or the highway' belief in a new, unbroadcast Terms of Service is resulting in a notable downtick in GR activity.

The authors of Crucial Conversations did a lot of studies discovering that people who are skilled at dialoguing during crucial conversations:

1) start with the heart, otherwise known as the self, by knowing what they want
2) they avoid the 'fool's choice' of the either/or solution and look for the 'and'
3) they are smart enough to clarify and know what they don't want
4) they ask their brain to try and solve the harder problem--which means the 'and' one, not the gut response one
5) they note what their behavior says, so that their body language/actions are in congruence with their words, thus lending believability to their words

My Dear, dear Goodreads Customer Service, try this.

I suggest you take these principles to heart. Know what you want. Do you want to 'win?' Do you want certain people to leave the site? Do you want a book-selling synergistic Kindle machine? Do you want to keep the hard-working librarians and reviewers who built this site material active and involved? Once you've asked these questions, you then need to ask if your body language and interactions are reflecting these goals.


The authors state to set up a crucial conversation, the parties involved need to make it safe. What do you do when the conversation isn't going well and a party is acting defensively? You make it safe by:

1) Step out of the conversation
2) Determine what condition of safety is at risk? A mutual purpose or mutual respect?
3) Apologize if it is appropriate
4) Using contrasting skills to help fix misunderstandings, such as "I didn't intend to mean ___," then explain what you did intend/meant.
5) Create a mutual purpose

This is how you can fix the exodus of mass numbers of librarians, reviewers, and most importantly, readers who are leaving your site.

The crucial part of this list is, of course, the conversation.


Note: I will add a genuine analytical review at another site when I finish. It really is an excellent book that I recommend to everyone. There's a few ethical and social limitations to it, but it does help have a high-stakes conversation and succeed.… (more)

Handling difficult conversations comprises a key element for navigating life successfully, yet most of us have little training about how to accomplish this. We end up listening to mentors or pastors to refine our skillset. Is there any science or education that could lend insight to how to, at the very least, survive these conversations? This set of authors, who penned the famously successful book Crucial Conversations, submit this guide to aid individuals’ journeys.

They provide a set of tools with examples to enact them. Honestly, I didn’t find the tools particularly helpful and soon forgot them after reading them. The examples, however, allowed me to extrapolate from the principles to real-life events that intersect with my life. Because accountability conversations can occur at work or at home, their examples teach how to handle both settings. They not only illustrate their ideas but forecast common obstacles many encounter when first practicing the skill.

At times, this book can seem a bit formulaic: If you do such-and-such, some good result will happen. If only life were this simple! Unfortunately, oppressive systems and bigoted discrimination still occur that prevent people from acting reasonably. This book does not directly address those scenarios. It assumes rational actors on both sides. While I agree that most people I deal with fit into this camp, other personal experiences make me doubt that life always fits into this box.

Again, the authors focus on both work and home environments and thus hit a wide audience. Any adult with responsibilities can potentially benefit. This book aims to be a teacher and to move readers into unbiased teachers of handling accountability discussions. Thus, this book represents more of a class than a light read to peruse. Readers do require a bit of life experience and savviness to appreciate the scenarios posited.

The biggest benefit is that previously difficult conversations become a whole lot less intimidating. Complexity cannot be completely avoided, but the self-confidence required to handle those scenarios can increase. Crucial Accountability helps readers to think through how they might handle and even embrace those challenging situations better.… (more)

Simple skills with great potential for improved relationships.

Each author (or set of authors) of a self-help book, or a business book, create a model of how something works and then explain in books and seminars how that model applies to the world and tell us that it will bring us success. The models are based on the author(s) experience and might or might not be data driven. Thankfully, this book is based on research of the authors at various companies rather than just a collection of anecdotes.

Rather than me creating a book summary, I found one that is thorough and covers the material quite nicely. There are lots of inserted advertisements to ignore while reading that review.
https://slooowdown.wordpress.com/2013/06/09/summary-of-crucial-conversations-too...

Slooowdown says: Their model has essentially 7 steps:
1) Start with the heart (i.e empathy and positive intent)
2) Stay in dialogue
3) Make it safe
4) Don’t get hooked by emotion (or hook them)
5) Agree a mutual purpose
6) Separate facts from story
7) Agree a clear action plan
(From Slooowdown's review)

When I checked the book out of the library, my wife commented that we have that book. She had bought it two years ago after hearing it mentioned at a BYU Education Week class. So, instead of reading the library book, I read and highlighted our copy.

Some sections of this book are about how to have honest conversations. It requires not offending and yet not glossing over the seriousness of the issue. It talks about [b:Games People Play|49176|Games People Play|Eric Berne|https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1628756599l/49176._SX50_.jpg|817417], but does not mention the 1964 book by that title.

In the afterword, each of the authors has a section. One of the authors got lots of compliments about the book. “I’m always surprised that the number of people who suggest that the book has helped them immensely, yet ... they hesitantly explain that they haven’t exactly read the entire book. ... okay, they’ve only scanned the book ... but somehow [it] has served them well. ... A quick glance has helped them enormously. ... they can listen better. ... They can be thoughtful and pleasant and they can most assuredly avoid harsh language and terse accusations. ...”

Chapters (Second Edition)
Forward II ed., Forward I ed., Preface, Acknowledgements
1. What is a Crucial Conversation - and who cares?
2. Mastering the Crucial Conversation - the power of dialogue
3. Start with the Heart - How to stay focused on what you really want
4. Learn to Look - How to notice when safety is at risk
5. Make it Safe - How to make it safe to talk about almost anything
6. Master My Stories - How to stay in dialogue when you’re angry, scared, or hurt
7. STATE My Path - How to speak persuasively, not abrasively
8. Explore Others’ Paths - How to Listen when other blow up or clam up
9. Move to Action - How to turn Crucial Conversations into action and results
10. Yeah, But - Advice for tough cases
11. Putting It All Together - Tools for preparing and learning
Afterward - What I’ve learned about Crucial Conversations in the past ten years
Endnotes
Index… (more)

I listened to the audio, then bought the book. This is a now a requirement for our homeschool graduation. EVERYONE should read this. There is no one who cannot benefit from this research and practical tools and insights to improve communication--ESPECIALLY when your emotions run high! At the end, the authors comment on the few managers they interacted with who actually made changes and improved. Change is hard! They acknowledge how difficult it is. The audio was well done, and the humor of our human gut reactions well-communicated.… (more)