David Schnarch (1946–2020)

I liked this a whole lot more than the many relationship books that give a series of anecdotes. I liked it so much that I listened to the audiobook two times through in the same day. Alas, it is not available in Kindle. (Only print and audio.)

It was recommended to me by my wife, who listened to it a few months ago.

Some memorable Points
- Most of the approaches to improving relationships work a little (he disappointed to find that approaches he had been taught did not work that well)
- Most relationship approaches are pathological. This one is non-pathological
- Differentiation is necessary - the more differentiated, the more intimate the relationship
- People in a marriage are at the same level of differentiation
- Integrity is essential
- The low-desire spouse controls the amount of sexual activity
- Sex with eyes open requires a greater level of intimacy
- Hugging until relaxed is recommended
- Sharing sexual fantasies is not recommended - too often sexual fantasies are about someone else
- He does not like all the attention given to acceptance theory.

I was clued into acceptance theory by [a:Russell T Osguthorpe|6745186|Russell T Osguthorpe|https://s.gr-assets.com/assets/nophoto/user/u_50x66-632230dc9882b4352d753eedf9396530.png] and also by [b:How We Love Workbook, Expanded Edition: Making Deeper Connections in Marriage|33880322|How We Love Workbook, Expanded Edition Making Deeper Connections in Marriage|Milan Yerkovich|https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1484670351l/33880322._SX50_.jpg|53684387]. The book: [b:Handbook of Attachment: Theory, Research, and Clinical Applications|6424928|Handbook of Attachment Theory, Research, and Clinical Applications|Jude Cassidy|https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1328740934l/6424928._SX50_.jpg|774115] was cited so often by [a:Milan Yerkovich|125372|Milan Yerkovich|https://s.gr-assets.com/assets/nophoto/user/u_50x66-632230dc9882b4352d753eedf9396530.png] that I bought the book. I will need to do more digging to understand why [a:Schnarch David|18801327|Schnarch David|https://s.gr-assets.com/assets/nophoto/user/u_50x66-632230dc9882b4352d753eedf9396530.png] is so against attachment theory.

Months after listening to this book (three times) I still don’t understand why he is against attachment theory. Since [a:Russell T Osguthorpe|6745186|Russell T Osguthorpe|https://s.gr-assets.com/assets/nophoto/user/u_50x66-632230dc9882b4352d753eedf9396530.png] and others find attachment theory useful, I also see it as a valid model.

Contents
Session 1: Understanding the process of Differentiation
- A non-pathological approach
- The core concept of differentiation
- The four points of differentiation
- What about love?
- Deepening intimacy throug integrity
- The Spirituality of marriage
Session 2: Passionate Sex, Part 1 - A mature view of sex
- Looking underneath sexual dysfunction
- Understanding sexual desire
- Breaking through sexual gridlock
- Defining a normal sexual relationship
- Eyes-open sex
Session 3: Passionate Sex, Part 2 - Introduction
- Hugging until relaxed
- Sexual fantasies
- The three psychological dimensions of sex
- The flavors of sex
- Sexual incompatibility
Session 4: Your sexual crucible survival guide - the two choice dilemma
- Operating from the best in yourself
- Self-confrontation
- Conflict has a purpose
- Reaching critical mass… (more)

Alas, several ebooks by this author are not available for purchase. This is the second book that I have read by him and both times would have loved to purchase a copy, but all I found was print editions. (Actually, I did eventually find a Kindle edition on Amazon, but it is not available for purchase.) So, I read a library book in the Libby app.

[a:Schnarch David|18801327|Schnarch David|https://s.gr-assets.com/assets/nophoto/user/u_50x66-632230dc9882b4352d753eedf9396530.png] has developed a method over his years of practice. According to the examples he presented, he often manages to snap couples out of their dysfunctional patterns.

It was pleasant to read and I felt like I learned some things that I can apply in my marriage. If I had to summarize, my poor summary would be that we need to learn self-regulation.?
1) Don’t get angry
2) Don’t use ineffective patterns from the past
3) Growth is hard, do it anyway
Those are hard for us mere mortals to do. ‘Marriage is a crucible.’

Or, as he keeps emphasizing:

” … four key areas crucial to maintaining one's emotional balance. I call these the Four Points of Balance. They are:”

”1. Solid Flexible SelPM—the ability to be clear about who you are and what you're about, especially when your partner pressures you to adapt and conform.”

”2. Quiet Mind—Calm HeartTM—being able to calm yourself down, soothe your own hurts, and regulate your own anxieties.”

”3. Grounded RespondingTM—the ability to stay calm and not overreact, rather than creating distance or running away when your partner gets anxious or upset.”

”4. Meaningful EnduranceTM—being able to step up and face the issues that bedevil you and your relationship, and the ability to tolerate discomfort for the sake of growth.”
(Page 124-125 of 396)

I also noticed evidence of hypocrisy among therapists . No wonder therapy is so often ineffective.

“ In a sample of one hundred therapists, 88 percent said they engaged in NMS. [Normal Marital Sadism] Moreover, 87 percent estimated their clients did likewise. Here’s the really important thing: Therapists who didn’t see themselves inflicting NMS also didn’t see it in their clients.”

“Pretty much everyone engages in NMS. Lots of couples—and 12 percent of therapists who don’t recognize NMS in themselves—need to wake up: Marriage is where you realize you are living with a ruthless sadistic terrorist. And then there’s your partner to deal with, too!”
(Page 183)

"OTHER-VALIDATED INTIMACY AND SELF- VALIDATED INTIMACY"
"When I started studying emotional gridlock in the 1980s, I had to coin two other terms: other-validated intimacy and self-validated intimacy. I needed these terms, together with emotional gridlock, to describe what I saw clients going through. Other-validated intimacy and self-validated intimacy are not (just) theoretical constructs. They are two kinds of intimacy, two parts of one amazing process."
(Page 167-168)

Tips for developing quiet mind-calm heart
• Give your dilemma meaning
• If you can’t regulate your emotions, control your behavior
• Don’t take your partner’s behavior (or lack of response) personally
More self-soothing techniques
• Self-soothing may require breaking contact with your partner
• Stop your negative mental tapes
• Use time apart effectively
0… (more)

Quotes I loved from this book:

"When we believe that hormones run the show, we send kids the unconscious message that we don't really expect them to control their crotch while they have zits on their face. We give kids a double message: we'd like you to delay first intercourse, but we think it's impossible and you'll be giving up the best sex you'll ever have."

"Low sexual desire is almost always considered a problem. (I've found it often reflects good judgment: healthy people don't want sex when it's not worth wanting.)"

"Expecting your partner to sacrifice for you in the name of love KILLS marriage, sex, intimacy, and love."

"We often feel afraid to say things that might affect our marriage, and in our fear we withhold information. Then we look with disrespect upon our partner, who we assume couldn't handle what we fear to say! The best sex and intimacy in marriage often come out of mutual respect. Respect is a bond of the highest order."

I highly, highly recommend this book. It has been a paradigm changer for how I think about relationships and sex. I couldn't read more than a few pages at a time when I normally fly through books because it prompted so much thought and processing of what I read. This book cuts straight through the fluff and gets to the details of why and how to fix a relationship. I think that this might be the best book I have ever read about committed relationships and sexuality, and I have read a lot on this subject.… (more)