The tender bar : a memoir (original 2005; edition 2006)

by J. R. Moehringer

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deliriumshelves's review

I read about this book in a menu.
No kidding.
There's a great sushi joint in town called Miya's that has a menu with facetious descriptions of food, stories on how dishes and drinks came to be, and even footnotes and an epilogue. Most fun menu I know- even better than the color-you-own ones.
And in this menu. _The Tender Bar_ was mentioned as "a short story" where the son of a single mother grows up in a bar using the men around him as the father figure (collectively) he doesn't have. This intrigued me and I saw the possibilty of a puppet piece coming from it, and so I marched my butt to Strand's the next time I was in the City and looked for a short story collection containing _The Tender Bar_.
Low, and behold, it was a 368-page hardback memoir, but it was on the sale table and I was on a mission, so it went home with me.
The book is not what I expected, not what I wanted, and so I hated it. But I could never really get up the steam I needed to really let that hatred set in because I was turning pages rapidly (for me, at least), chuckling and weeping (shh- don't tell).
Moeringer has such a clear remembrance of so many events, such clarity on what he felt and how to say it, even as a very young child, that I often wondered if I was reading the next LeRoy. But I didn't care too much, because I wanted to believe it and, ultimately, it didn't affect me one way or another if it was completely true, mostly true, or inspired by truth.
The book has unlovable, unlikeable characters who Moehringer manager to have me empathizing with even though their behavior is despicable. Fromt he outside, I saw that if this one character, Grandpa, had been different, that everything else, all the horrid things that happened and the terrible way people treated each other and their self-destructive behaviors could have been different, and probably better in some cases. ANd yet, I found myself saying, "Poor Fella" as I saw little acts of humanity in him.
It is not a nice, neat book.
It's a heartbreaker that goes on and on with little mendings and perpetual chipping away at J.R.'s heart- and mine. And then, it's about what happens after your heart breaks wide open and you're still alive.
The book is not always well-paced, and drags significantly in parts. I can't tell if that is the author trying to convey how his life was also dragging interminably at that time, or poor editing. And if you can stomach the heartache, it's surely a quick-ish read: no dense concepts, no giant vocab.
And despite the realtvely short time I spent reading it (under a week?), I sometimes find myself thinking about "that guy I knew, the one who hung out at the bar a lot and kept that kid out of trouble"-- and then I realize I am thinking about his very, very real portrayal of (presumably) real people he loves very much, and I kind of do, too. (

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deliriumshelves | Jan 14, 2024 |

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repechage | Dec 26, 2024 |

I was actually assigned this book in high school for summer reading. It was the right book for that stage of my life. My copy is annotated to hell, and I look back and see a lot of personal notes. I’ll admit it’s been a decade since I read it, but at the time I had been really infatuated with it. (

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cmharvey | Jun 23, 2024 |

Far too many of the reviews for this book here on LT criticize the book and the author for 'whining' about his childhood. I can only deduce these readers had their humanity removed in some kind of surgical procedure meant to bolster their own perception of themselves. Honestly, the reveiwers/readers all must come from perfectly well-adjusted families and are themselves superior to everyone else in every way. Far from whining, Moehringer regularly castigates himself for his faults, even though they are largely not of his own making. He came from an altogether dysfunctional family and struggled for everything, particularly a grounded sense of himself. The characters are so credible and unique that they would never be believed in a fictional account. It's the kind of book that is wildly popular these days, only from a female perspective. Don't get me wrong, there are far too few female authors and female narratives because of the gender gaps in publishing. But, I'd argue, there are also too few honest male voices writing sincerely about male identity and struggles - Moehringer fills this void with class. For those who reviewed this book negatively, I'd say, "Get over yourselves." For everyone else, "Read this book."

The book was recently adapted to film, and the producers, which included Moehringer, did a nice job of capturing the tone of the narrative - boy basically grows up in a bar, raised by ne'er-do-well barflies - but the book is much more evocative, lighter on the Hollywood moments and heavier on the heart-felt emotion.

Highly Recommended!
5 bones!!!!! (

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blackdogbooks | May 12, 2024 |

I have two confessions... I didn't know this was a memoir until I started reading it. Actually (not the second confession yet), I didn't know a memoir is quite close to a biography. And I don't read biographies. I read long time ago Bob Marley's biography and just hated it. Will this change? probably not, but this was an amazing read.
The second confession? It made me think about myself as a father, a lot. This book is able to get to your guts. And it's just so beautifully written. Absolutely worth it. (

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SergioRuiz | Apr 30, 2024 |

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deliriumshelves | Jan 14, 2024 |

my favorite book of 2006 (

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willolovesyou | Dec 31, 2023 |

Autobio of a guy growing up poor in Manhasset, in the shadow of a famous bar. The first part of this book is terrific — beautifully written, evocative, touching, funny. Lots of interesting tidbits about Long Island too. Once JR, the protagonist, gets old enough to actually frequent the bar himself it became less interesting. Certainly the characters inhabiting the bar are fun and well-depicted, but none of them are as interesting as that of JR's mother, who is — sadly — largely absent from the second half of the book. In the end, it all felt a little shallow, as a seemingly-profound drunken conversation tends to be. (

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thisisstephenbetts | Nov 25, 2023 |

One of the best memoirs I've ever read. Beautifully rendered. (

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rpnrch | Oct 23, 2023 |

A memoir of a young man whose mother struggled to raise him alone after leaving his abusive father. In place of the man he never really knew, JR (it doesn't STAND FOR ANYTHING!) latched on to his Uncle Charlie and a motley assortment of bartenders and patrons at "The Bar", the neighborhood watering hole in his hometown of Manhasset on Long Island. Throughout his teenage years, these men took him under their collective and individual wings, took him to the beach, discussed books with him, gave him advice (of varying degrees of usefulness), encouraged him to dream of and eventually apply to Yale and made him feel he had a home beyond the bedlam of his grandparents' house, where he and his mother most often lived. Later, they supported him through failed love affairs, demoralizing attempts at novel-writing and dead-end jobs, taught him by example (mostly how to drink and survive hangovers), and gave him unconditional love. The story could be depressing as all get-out, but it's not. There is so much humor and tenderness in it--and after all, here is this supremely well-written memoir you're reading, as proof that it all turned out OK in the end. (

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laytonwoman3rd | Sep 30, 2023 |

I'd say it's between a 3.5 and a 4 on the star scale, but we round up in my family.

Some of the writing didn't feel very tight, and some of the situations didn't seem very believable. These were a small enough part of the whole that reading this book was still very enjoyable. The epilogue had me in tears. (

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blueskygreentrees | Jul 30, 2023 |

Un libro trasparente: scrittura scorrevole, ambientazione anonima, personaggi dimenticabili. A parte qualche guizzo (la visita del nonno a scuola, gli incontri con Sidney, qualche momento a Yale) non scatta mai l'empatia col protagonista, tutto scorre via senza che si percepisca il bisogno di aggrapparsi a qualche evento memorabile.

Il bar stesso con tutta la sua ciurma di (semi)alcolizzati non restituisce neppure un quarto dell'afflato poetico promesso nell'introduzione.

Boh.

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Demistocle | May 19, 2023 |

Well written memoir, although a bit too boozy for my tastes. (

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steve02476 | Jan 3, 2023 |

J.R. Moehringer grew up in Manhasset, New York, estranged from his father and living with his mother in his grandparents' ramshackle home filled with cousins, aunts, and uncles. Though it was a somewhat chaotic upbringing, he was a mostly happy child, though he would sit by the radio on a regular basis just to get a chance to hear his father's voice as a New York City radio DJ. Without a true father figure, he spent his younger years hanging out in or near the bar near his home where his uncle worked. Here, he met an eclectic group of men who eventually welcomed him into their circle and taught him about life. As J.R. eventually entered college, struggled to find his career, and fell in and out of love, he continued his relationship with these men and kept coming back to the bar which was like a second home to him.

I remember putting this book on my wishlist shortly after it had been published, and it saddens me that it took me so long to get around to reading it. I actually listened to an abridged version on audio, despite at one time having a hardcover version, which I've since given away. It's a shame, because after reading the abridgment, I wish I still had the original hardcover so that I could go back and re-read this. All that is to say that I was quite pleasantly surprised by how much I enjoyed this memoir. Despite Moehringer being a Pulitzer Prize winner, a journalist, and co-author of Andre Agassi's memoir, I knew none of that and virtually nothing about him prior to picking this up to read. But like I said, I'd added it to my wishlist a long time ago, apparently because I'd seen some hype or good reviews. This is basically a coming-of-age memoir, and I generally enjoy novels of that genre. There is just something about Moehringer's writing voice (although he also has a pleasant actual voice on audio as well) that spoke to me -- a combination of nostalgia, honesty, humor, and feel-good that was very appealing. The brief smooth jazz interludes between sections was a nice touch as well on the audiobook. I was honestly sad to reach the end and as stated above, I now regret that I read an abridged copy because I was left wanting more. I just recently read that Prince Harry has chosen Moehringer to co-write his autobiography, supposedly due to be published later this year, so I'm definitely going to have to get my hands on that. (

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indygo88 | Feb 12, 2022 |

I really enjoyed this book because I wanted to relate/see myself in the character. It's about a kid who becomes a man and tells about his experiences growing up in a bar. Really great write, super smart guy who went to Yale. You definitely learn a lot reading it. So much character development. It kept my attention because of how it was written and how I was looking for similarities to me/my life. (

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Zach-Rigo | Jan 12, 2022 |

Publicans, the bar where the author found his mojo, has just been rechristened in Manhasset. I guess it's pretty telling that I liked a 5 star and a 1 star review, because both made valid points about the book. On the positive side, Moehringer writes well (for a Yalie anyway), but his life is a mess, with a deadbeat, absentee father, and a mother barely able to keep them afloat, shuttling between living with her parents or trying to make it in their own place. The other highlight is the zany characters at home (Uncle Charlie, his cousin), the bar, and his college girlfriend, Sidney. In fairness, it all gets tiring, repetitive and predictable. (

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skipstern | Jul 11, 2021 |

Memoir written by an LA Times reporter, who tells of his childhood and young adulthood in Manhasset, Long Island, centering on his attachment to a bar there and the men who work and drink there. JR grows up fatherless, living mostly in the home of his maternal grandparents home, which he and his mother regularly move out of in a bid for independence before slinking back in because his mother can't make enough money to survive on her own. His father has abandoned him, and his grandfather is miserable, so he turns to the bar for his male role models. The book brings us through his childhood, through Yale, and then his early adult years working as a copy boy for the New York Times.
As the memoir unfolds, we are left questioning whether the bar is a sanctuary that allows him to center himself or a drag on his ambition, allowing him to hide from the world.
As with most memoirs, the author is battling demons, and Moehringer is certainly hard on himself. I find myself, however, not liking him very much. I know it's a memoir, but he's so self-absorbed!
So I didn't like it very much (

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DanTarlin | Jun 5, 2021 |

Good for JR to write this book to share his love for His hometown family reminding us that we are all awkward children seeking to be understood. I most liked the way he honored his Mother in her imperfect ways and his realization that she had a special wisdom. (

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Jolene.M | Jul 30, 2020 |

I really wanted to like this memoir, but for some reason I never fully trusted the author. I'm not sure why. The story of his life is interesting, however he never created that "pact" between reader and author that is necessary for great nonfiction. I also think that there were areas he really rushes. (

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SarinaLeigh | Apr 21, 2017 |

This episodic memoir of a boy becoming a man in the 70s and 80s, centered on his hometown bar and its characters, is deeply confessional and almost always engaging. It has humor, it has heartbreak--probably more of the latter--and it has a tremendous amount of truth in it as the young writer struggles to find his way in life. At times, it lags, and midway through, it lacks the momentum to keep the reader turning pages into the night, but as the author begins to realize and address his shortcomings, the pace picks up and the book comes to a memorable--and sad--conclusion with an epilogue that takes place right after 911. In addition to his relationships with the men at the bar, his relationship with his mother is well described, and the epiphany he comes to near the book's conclusion is unforgettable. His relationship with his troubled father--both at a distance and later, occasionally, in person--is also fascinating. All in all, this a memoir unlike any other I have read. Like the best such books, it makes us reflect upon our own relationships. (

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datrappert | Oct 22, 2016 |

A true tale of the underdog, this briskly paced memoir charts the rites of passage of JR Moehringer with a mix of humor and pathos. The first half of the book stands out the most in its uniqueness with its focus on the author's dysfunctional family. Moehringer deftly captures his feelings at that young age and his growing into the world around him as he learned about family and begins his hero-worship of the bar life. Its an odd quirk of the book that his actual growth as a writer is left unchronicled for the most part. For a book about a writer realizing a dream to join the New York Times, there is very little about the 'writer's life'. The book just casually mentions he wrote for Yale's student paper, but nothing about that experience is shared. Likewise gaining entry into Yale is no mean feat, and yet the book makes it seem almost like a lucky fluke, which is hard to believe. Yet reading the book, you realize how talented he is as a writer and you know there is more to tell about all this.

Some of the standout sections of the book for me were his stint at the strip mall bookstore and the two (gay?) men who ran it and his retail experience at Lord and Taylor. The description of how they still operated the store in turn of the century fashion I found hilarious. Not being a drinker, the segments in the bar with its alcoholic patrons were less amusing and since this book is about his love for the bar life, I guess I may not be the intended audience here. Nonetheless the pace of the story is quite brisk and there's enough humor and interest to keep hooked even the most ardent Prohibitionist. (

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Humberto.Ferre | Sep 28, 2016 |

Really enjoyed this book. Well written and quite the life story. Author did a great job reading it also. Highly recommend. (

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carolfoisset | Jun 30, 2016 |

A great book to listen to, you really get caught up in his story... (

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susan259 | Jan 21, 2016 |

A great book to listen to, you really get caught up in his story... (

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susan259 | Jan 20, 2016 |

A great book to listen to, you really get caught up in his story... (

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susan259 | Jan 20, 2016 |

I liked it and I even laughed out loud a handful of times but I didn't love it overall. It was a good story and I liked the literary slant to JR's growing up but I didn't get how he kind of just meandered thru his life and how/why the bar meant that much. I guess it may have been different if he had a father present throughout his whole life???? (

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Charlie-Ravioli | Jan 18, 2016 |

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