Gay Men Write About Their Moms (and Death) – a reading list

On Earth We're Briefly Gorgeous, by Ocean Vuong
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/41880609-on-earth-we-re-briefly-gorgeous

Counterpoint: A Memoir of Bach and Mourning, by Philip Kennicott
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/45894127-counterpoint

Mourning Diary: October 26, 1977 - September 15, 1979, by Roland Barthes
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/12328533-mourning-diary

George Hodgman's memoir, BETTYVILLE (2015), another library sale find, was blurbed by the NYTimes as "A remarkable, laugh-out-loud book." Uh-uh. While it is indeed remarkable, and a beautifully written narrative of a son's love for his ninety year-old mother whose mind is slowly going, I found the overall tone of the book to be overwhelmingly sad. And, while there are frequent lol moments, Hodgman's tale of growing up gay and an only child in small town Missouri just isn't all that funny. He was raised by loving parents, Big George and Betty, but the mores of their time and place did not allow them to ever acknowledge, much less discuss, his emerging sexual identity. So his high school and college years were filled with shame and confusion, relieved only partly by his wry sense of humor used to deflect unkind or hateful attitudes. After college, he moved to New York where he found his niche in the publishing industry as a successful, meticulous editor for books and magazines, and also immersed himself in the gay culture of the city. But he kept his professional and personal lives separate, never quite relinquishing the feeling that his sexuality was "bad," and became seriously addicted to drugs. He'd been through rehab, but lost his job when he returned to his hometown (Paris, MO) to care for his widowed mother who was suffering from dementia. There is much here about his happy childhood with his grandmother and other members of a large extended family in the small town that he continued to love despite the difficulties he encountered as he grew older. And although I'll admit to laughing and chuckling here and there, I more often found myself wincing in recognition as he spoke of the heartbreak and sadness of watching his mother's decline into dementia, along with the unhappy visits to prospective nursing homes, and how his mother would withdraw and beg him to just take her home. I could not help but recall my own mother's final months in such a place, and the guilt I felt at her being there. I could relate, so yes, it made me incredibly sad for both of them. But George stayed, and did his best to take care of his mother at home. (She died in 2015.) For that, I admired him tremendously.

This is a damn fine book, about family, growing up in a small town, being gay, finding one's place in the world, and more. But what stands out is the author's love for his mother, despite her failings and imperfections - and for his father too, who loved his son so much, but just couldn't quite accept who he became - who he was. I found Hodgman's book very compelling, but ultimately very sad. He was a wonderful writer and a good son. And I say 'was,' because, sadly, upon Googling him, I learned that Hodgman took his own life in 2019, just a few years after this book was published. RIP, George.

And, having said all that, I give BETTYVILLE my very highest recommendation.

- Tim Bazzett, author of the memoir, BOOKLOVER ( )

Book on CD read by Jeff Woodman

Hodgman’s elderly mother was clearly in trouble. He had lost one job and had the time to spend with her back home in Missouri. His work as an editor allowed him to continue “remotely” while he shepherded his mother along a path neither of them wanted to take. In this memoir he relates not only their fractious journey together, but the many incidents in their backgrounds that brought them to this place.

I found this tender and funny, heartbreaking and hopeful. There were times when I wanted to slap him (or Betty) upside the head and force one or both of them to face reality. There were times when I wanted to just wrap them in a blanket and give them little “now, now and there, there” comforting pats. I was reminded of the many trips I took to Texas to help my parents as they faced these same demons: of aging, of loss of independence, of loss of control, of loss of identity.

This snippet describes perfectly the relationship I had with my mother during the earlier stages of her disease process: I know she hates me sometimes. how could she not? I am the guard at the prison she will never get out of. Sometimes I am just as pent-up and angry. I loathe her too. Just a typical American family, torn between love and homicide, but united in our way.

Not that you need my opinion, George, but you did the right thing. Always.

The audiobook was masterfully performed by Jeff Woodman. ( )

Poignant and laugh out loud funny at times, this memoir of a sophisticated Manhattan gay writer who returns to his little hometown in Missouri to care for his irascible mother with dementia is beautifully written.It is a caregiver tale, but the undercurrent of a son whose gayness has never been accepted by his mother makes the story that much more gripping. ( )

How I wish I could write as beautifully as the author. This is his story of his commitment to his 91 year old mother. George moves from a life in Manhattan, NY to care for his mother in small town Missouri. This is the tale of adjustment to living with his cantankerous mother who daily presents challenges for patience.

She is a character in every way. She is forward, kind, resilient, overbearing, sneaky, and loving, always loving!

She insists on wearing mismatched clothing while she demands to keep her well-worn sandals on her feet. A beautiful woman when young, like all who grow older, the wrinkles deepen while her spirit remains steadfast.

George calmly deals with her slide into forgetfulness, while admiring her stamina to undergo chemo for her cancer.

The town is small, but the beauty is large.

This excellently written, heart-felt homage to a mother who raised and loved her gay son is stunningly, beautifully embraced with crystal sharpness, and each page contains a tear and a smile. They grow together in acceptance of each other that calls forth as the days slip away.

Read this one. I don't think you will be disappointed!

Five Stars ( )