Alas, several ebooks by this author are not available for purchase. This is the second book that I have read by him and both times would have loved to purchase a copy, but all I found was print editions. (Actually, I did eventually find a Kindle edition on Amazon, but it is not available for purchase.) So, I read a library book in the Libby app.

[a:Schnarch David|18801327|Schnarch David|https://s.gr-assets.com/assets/nophoto/user/u_50x66-632230dc9882b4352d753eedf9396530.png] has developed a method over his years of practice. According to the examples he presented, he often manages to snap couples out of their dysfunctional patterns.

It was pleasant to read and I felt like I learned some things that I can apply in my marriage. If I had to summarize, my poor summary would be that we need to learn self-regulation.?
1) Don’t get angry
2) Don’t use ineffective patterns from the past
3) Growth is hard, do it anyway
Those are hard for us mere mortals to do. ‘Marriage is a crucible.’

Or, as he keeps emphasizing:

” … four key areas crucial to maintaining one's emotional balance. I call these the Four Points of Balance. They are:”

”1. Solid Flexible SelPM—the ability to be clear about who you are and what you're about, especially when your partner pressures you to adapt and conform.”

”2. Quiet Mind—Calm HeartTM—being able to calm yourself down, soothe your own hurts, and regulate your own anxieties.”

”3. Grounded RespondingTM—the ability to stay calm and not overreact, rather than creating distance or running away when your partner gets anxious or upset.”

”4. Meaningful EnduranceTM—being able to step up and face the issues that bedevil you and your relationship, and the ability to tolerate discomfort for the sake of growth.”
(Page 124-125 of 396)

I also noticed evidence of hypocrisy among therapists . No wonder therapy is so often ineffective.

“ In a sample of one hundred therapists, 88 percent said they engaged in NMS. [Normal Marital Sadism] Moreover, 87 percent estimated their clients did likewise. Here’s the really important thing: Therapists who didn’t see themselves inflicting NMS also didn’t see it in their clients.”

“Pretty much everyone engages in NMS. Lots of couples—and 12 percent of therapists who don’t recognize NMS in themselves—need to wake up: Marriage is where you realize you are living with a ruthless sadistic terrorist. And then there’s your partner to deal with, too!”
(Page 183)

"OTHER-VALIDATED INTIMACY AND SELF- VALIDATED INTIMACY"
"When I started studying emotional gridlock in the 1980s, I had to coin two other terms: other-validated intimacy and self-validated intimacy. I needed these terms, together with emotional gridlock, to describe what I saw clients going through. Other-validated intimacy and self-validated intimacy are not (just) theoretical constructs. They are two kinds of intimacy, two parts of one amazing process."
(Page 167-168)

Tips for developing quiet mind-calm heart
• Give your dilemma meaning
• If you can’t regulate your emotions, control your behavior
• Don’t take your partner’s behavior (or lack of response) personally
More self-soothing techniques
• Self-soothing may require breaking contact with your partner
• Stop your negative mental tapes
• Use time apart effectively
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Threw away my copy May 2, 2024.